October 29

Our birthday spotlight shines on Winona Ryder, actress and 80's/90's hottie. To commemorate the occasion, I've invited the Winona Riders (not to be confused with the early 90's punk band Winona Ryders) to share one of their after-school practice sessions at our little party here.


Hey, look! It's Blake Sennett, her indie rocker ex-boyfriend. He's co-founder of the band Rilo Kiley. Look's like he's got something to say...


And there's her ex-boyfriend Rhett Miller, singer/songwriter and frontman for the Old 97's. What's on his mind?



There's Ken Stringfellow, singer/songwriter and frontman for the Posies...



There's Ryan Adams, singer/songwriter and- hey, wait a minute...



I'm sensing a trend here...



Funny; that doesn't look like Pete Yorn...



Hey! Page Hamilton from Helmet! Somebody that rocks!



Look! Matthew Sweet's written a song for her...



So has Les Claypool!

Here comes Dave Pirner. He looks pissed...



Look, I know, this joke is going to get old in about two more clips. If I can get another six or so after that...



It'll be effin' hilarious...



It's the "funny by overkill" rule in comedy. Will Ferrell does it all the time...



Look, don't consider this an attack on Winona's character. For crying out loud, she's been on the dating scene since the 80's. I'm just making light of the fact that sensitive rockers seem to be her kryptonite. Honestly, this list reads like the dating history of any typical indie club talent booker...



I mean, if you got together all the bands that have an ex-boyfriend of Winona Ryder's for one superconcert, it would be cooler than Coachella. And two days longer, probably...

Winona's also dated a few actors, comedians, one or two directors... The latest I found, she's hooked up with ex-actor-turned-professional-rapper Joaquin Phoenix. So that's progress, I'm sure...



Meanwhile, what's going on with her acting? The biggest role she's had in years was playing Spock's mom in the new Star Trek. Otherwise, parts have dried up to the point that she's signed on to a sequel for Heathers (Christian Slater, too... and that works HOW?!? Is he going to be some Jigsaw-level evil mastermind delivering videotaped instructions from beyond the grave?)



Oh, now he's not even a real musician! What's he doing in here?



Mike Nesmith?!? Really? She dated a Monkee?

Okay, this ain't funny anymore; girl needs an intervention. Somebody find her a nice orthodontist, stat!