Johnny Damon? I liked you better when you looked like an Apostle. I liked you better when you looked like a Geico caveman. I liked you better when you didn't steal a World Series from my Phillies. Is that petty? Sure it is, but you just got another World Series ring, so you already got a present. No cake for you! Go drown your sorrows in your victory champagne, and your other World Series ring, and your hot baseball wife, and your mansion, and your money bin where you can swim like a porpoise in piles of Sacagaweas...
Ryan Adams? You really have the same birthday as Bryan Adams? Ryan, did your parents really not know? Or are they really really big fans? Or did they think it was funny? No wonder you're so surly...
It would be so easy to feature you today; you released that "Happy Birthday" song barely over a month ago! And now it's pulled? Because you can't decide if you're going to self-release, reunite Whiskeytown, or retire from music altogether? Heck, you turned Mandy Moore into Mandy Moore-Adams anyway, so NO CAKE FOR YOU!!
Bryan Adams? Didn't you used to be cool? Why did you write a song like "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You"? Why did you have to write a song like "(I Wanna Be) Your Underwear"? (What is up with) This Schtick? Anyway, you got your own postage stamp, so...
No; today, the birthday tiara goes to Angela Gossow. Not because she deserves to be more reknowned than she is. Not because she's attractive, even by Swedish standards. Not because she's the growler in the death metal band Arch Enemy. Not because she used to be a music journalist who gave the guitarist her demo tape months before the band needed a new singer. Not even because she's the voice of Lavona Succuboso on Metalocolypse.
No, she's our birthday girl today because she scares me.
Here, let her band scare you too...
Angie and the boys are celebrating her birthday in Australia; they'll be in the US in early 2010. You can check the tour dates here.
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